RECLAIMING OUR NO, PART TWO
When we have experienced trauma, or have been shamed for or deeply socialized against saying No, it may be buried so deep inside that it feels inaccessible, as if that option does not even exist for us.
If you have a sense that your ability to say no has been taken “off-line” you may need more than a shift in perspective and practice to regain your NO.
You may even know cognitively that you want to say NO, or in theory that it is “OK to say NO” but your body doesn’t seem to let you. This was surely adaptive and may have even saved your life at some point, however, we want to reclaim our ability to feel and communicate our NO’s in order to support our safety, well being, and authentic expression. Ideally we want the ability to express a range of No’s, as discussed in the last post, from “Yes, later” or “I am not able to do that, this is what I can do…” to “No thanks” to “NO!” or “Back Off” or if necessary saying NO with our whole body, our voice, our hands, our legs, by any means necessary with every ounce of our life force, “NOOOOOOO.”
If this NO has been silenced in us, we may need to connect to it gently, helping it come back step by step, letting it know that it is safer now, and it can start expressing itself. We may want to get the support of a group, friend, or therapist that can help us feel into our NO, can hear and respect it, can help us feel the blocks in the body that prohibit it and gently, sensing the difference of the present time, support it in coming into expression.
In somatic therapy we may explore the sensations in the body mindfully, wondering:
How do you sense the energy of NO inside?
How might that energy want to express itself…in words, sounds, movement…?
We might ask if it’s ok to watch what wants to happen on a screen and notice what happens in your body as you watch or to enact the impulse in real time slowly, noticing the sensations that arise as you move.
We would look out for anything that blocks the ability to say no…a body sensation, perhaps tightening or pulling back, a belief “It’s not safe to say NO,” an emotion like shame or fear, or the image or memory perhaps a memory from the past when it may not have been safe to express this NO.
We might ask, what could help it feel safe enough to express now, what does it need?
We would watch it all with a mindful curiosity, bringing understanding and acceptance to how this block developed, and gently, over time, help it realize, that now, here, in this moment, it might be safe enough to feel and express that long held NO. We would want to be planted firmly in the present, noticing the room, the sounds, the kind person you are with now that can hear your NO, while accessing this terrifying place in the past when NO was not possible. We would want to bring so much compassion to that experience in the past and help it update to how things are different right now.
A transformational experience in my healing journey was facilitated by CAE, the Center for Anti-Violence Education in Park Slope Brooklyn. CAE provides 5 week self defense classes for female identifying teens and adults (free for teens, free for Adults who have experienced violence, sliding scale and free childcare provided).
In this space, we were able to practice multiple levels of boundary setting, from energetic to verbal to physical ways to express our needs, preferences and NO’s. The process of feeling the power in my body to move, to push, to kick to say No with my full life force really helped bring back my sense of strength and capacity to protect myself. The practice of using my voice in community, getting past the block of speaking up, being supported encouraged and celebrated for saying NO, loudly, feeling this community of womxn root for my empowerment, my safety, my sovereignty, my right to make choices for my life and body, was a truly powerful experience that I carry with me to this day.
If any of this resonates with you, if you feel your No is hard to access and could use some support to come back online, I highly recommend this course or work with a somatic or trauma focused therapist to help reintegrate this vital skill.
“You can’t truly say YES to anything until you can say a clear NO” ~Unknown
Resources -
I also found this organization, offering free self defense classes among other free fitness courses, I do not have personal experience with this group but perhaps something to explore!